I have no right to. But yet I have emotional reactions to everything you do. I’m with someone else, I should be over those feeling. I don’t own any of this, its non of my business. Yet, these are the strongest emotions I’ve felt in months.
Well I have a date coming up. Its exciting to interact with someone new, I haven’t done much of it in the last year and half. She is very passionate about things, and I’m not at all. I want to be around that, its a great way to be.
I cant figure out if I am afraid of something new or if I actually want everything back.
This weekend. Felt good Friday, it was probably from hanging with Lisa. I don’t know her well enough to feel scared to be weak. I’m afraid to show people I’ve know a long time weakness. It’s illogical I should trust them more, but its overcome shame, I’m shameful I let it get this far. Saturday and Sunday weren’t bad, it was because of activity. Maria was right about it, it does make you feel better.
I haven’t had to work for much. I have never had a struggle. Some people are so dedicated and patient. I was never that dedicated, but I keep digressing and for the first time I think grades could actually suffer.
Honestly thought that not what worries me, what worries me is how dull everything is. I don’t really get excited for things, and its not as satisfying as I remember. I want some kind of passion, some emotion, excitement.
Tuesday are always fine because I have so much to do. I don’t have time to think.
So Mondays seem to be my worst days. Not for any real reason.
A huge fear of mine is lost experience. Too often I became content with what I had and never wanted to go for more or better. I made friends, and then I stopped trying with other people, now its just so difficult for me. I try so hard its not even enjoyable, so I just keep drifting back to that which I had. And its not as though I don’t appreciate what I have, I want to want more and I want to be able to do it. Same is true with meeting someone new, I want to have that build something but fuck if I know what to do. I fell like I’m waiting for things to happen to me and I know that’s not healthy.
I need to know what I want and how I feel. These days my thoughts vary so much day to day. I don’t know how I feel and its strange not knowing yourself.
So I am writing it down, my daily thoughts, especially the worries. Hopefully, I can figure myself out.
lil bit o skype